The Goatherd's Plaint and Lament - from Odour Issues Ch9

La queixa i llàgrimes del cabrer

While in this close Arcadia I’ve dwelt,

careless and ignorant and quite at ease,

my thoughts being occupied with making cheese,

I’ve nought considered how it must have felt

to be shut up in rubber in a shed,

and lie all day on leaking waterbed,

subject to buggering by chaps with fleas.

For all my daily business was with goats

I got, to salve my loneliness, a gimp

loaned to me by a psychopathic pimp,

for which I paid in maculated notes.

I leavened then my pastoral eclogue

with bosky cottaging in my own bog,

at the expense of an ungainly limp.

A tolerable stasis now ensued.

The farming of a gimp, like planting trees,

entitled me to EU subsidies.

What better way, they asked, of getting wood?

For months our lifestyle was quite middle-class

while I made free with gimp’s capacious arse

and goats roamed unattended o’er the leas.

For all gimp favoured with its rash my bell,

which ever and anon oozed greenish pus,

I pardoned it, and didn’t make a fuss,

but loved my masked avenger passing well.

Its mute submission blithely I mistook

for acquiescence - with a funny look -

and manfully ignored its pungent musk.

But gimp more goaty than my goats now smelled -

its odour issue did invade my dreams.

One day I brought it to the babbling stream

and bade it bleach its mould’ring spandex pelt.

Gimp about nudity evincing doubt,

I lent a onesie I had lying about,

and anti-chafing prophylactic cream.

Respecting modesty, I turned my back -

I’d never seen its lissome form undraped,

not even on my covert webcam tapes.

I heard just then a duck’s protesting quack,

and turned again, anticipating now

to see my laundered gimp freshly aglow

with nicely warmed and buttered rectal gape.

Alas! The renegade had crossed the flood,

and in its onesie climbed the further bank

and fled pellmell across the pasture dank.

I heaved a sigh, trudged homewards through the mud

and, reacquainted with my solitude,

the pages of ‘Goat-Fancier’ unglued

and then embarked on a most joyless wank.

My gimp hath lately slipped its bonds and fled,

wherefore I do beweep my outcast state.

If swain of gimp would fain avoid my fate

keep chained thy gimp unto its waterbed,

nor suffer it to don, behind thy back,

that rude mechanical old onesie sack,

else only billy gruffs will thee fellate.